Helping your teen through a faith crisis

Tips for opening the conversation, and possible reasons your teen may be struggling with their faith -- it may not be what you think!

When our faith means everything to us, the possibility that a teen may be rejecting it can bring a range of overwhelming emotions. It's normal to feel afraid, hurt, disappointed, or even angry. But with God's help, we can help overcome initial reactions and truly "be there."

Tips for Talking with a Teen

Who is Struggling with Their Faith

Before attempting a discussion

• Am I hurt, afraid, angry? Pray for help calming intense feelings.

• Does my teen know I care about them, not just their behavior?

• Do I have all the information? Maybe there are things I don't know.

​Opening the conversation

• Open-ended, non-threatening questions are helpful questions. For example, "What's your greatest concern right now with church?"

• It may be counter-intuitive, but setting aside the desire for a "quick fix" makes a huge difference. If a teen thinks you only care about "desired changes," they may feel unheard, hurt, or manipulated.

How to "be there"

• Allow your teen to do most of the talking. Repeat back your understanding of things, ask if you've got it right, then listen again.

• Stay calm - even if what they share frightens you or brings other negative feelings. Your reactions show whether you can handle honesty.

• Resist the urge to fast-track conversations to solutions. Don't tell your teen why they've "got it wrong" -- validate, empathize, and show love.

Finding answers together

• What are your teen's ideas for next steps and solutions? Ask their thoughts of the pros and cons of those. Avoid providing all the answers for them.

• When you want to share an idea, ask your teen if they're open to that. If they angrily or defeatedly reply,"No!" this may be a sign that they're overwhelmed. Let them know you love them no matter what, then try the former approach at another time.

• If your teen is open to hearing ideas -- don't hijack the conversation. It's okay if you make mistakes, the point is to keep communication open.

Reasons a Teen May Be

Struggling with Their Faith 

Theological doubts and questions

Questions are good! They are opportunities to learn what God wants to teach us. Here are some tips for finding answers together:

• Encourage your teen to "Ask in faith believing they will receive" (James 1:5-6). 

• Let your teen know God has given them the ability to reason. Encourage them to diligently study the word of God with their questions in mind, as you do the same.

• Agree to regularly share with each other what you learn. Do so in normal and natural ways so that your teen doesn't get overwhelmed.

• As they seek for more answers, encourage your teen to continue living according to the religious teachings they already cherish.

• Encourage an eternal perspective when pondering questions.

• Remember that conversion is personal and it's a process that can't be forced.

Peer Pressure

Is your teen in uncomfortable situations where their beliefs are ridiculed or challenged? Let them know this is a common problem, even amongst adults. Once you understand the situation, here's some ideas for finding solutions together:

• ​What choices/beliefs are being challenged? Is further exploration of these topics needed so your teen can answer questions or feel more confident? 

• Do your teen's friends know your teen isn't judging them for not having the same beliefs/standards? What are some ways to address this in a non-threatening way? 

• Is there a way for your teen to stand up for their beliefs without causing contention? 

• What firm but kind responses might be helpful? Check in to see if it helped.

• Have an exit strategy in place for overwhelming situations. A "safe phrase" can communicate the need for a quick pickup with no questions asked.

If none of the above is working, your teen is repeatedly upset, and they don't want to get other adults involved, it may be time to talk about relationship changes. Can other relationships be developed so your teen has more choices socially?

Bullying at Church or other Upsetting Incidents

If your teen wants to talk about bullying or an upsetting incident, let them speak openly, don't take it personally. Addressing issues is the first step to healing.

• In the case of a criminal act (such as physical or sexual abuse), immediately report it to law enforcement who will do a full and complete investigation. Allegations of abuse is not for church leaders to triage. To understand the importance of this, ask yourself, "If my teen doesn't have my help, whose help do they have?" 

• Remember that people are imperfect - even church leaders. Don't discount your teen's feelings/experiences because it involves a "nice family" or a likable leader. Separate the behavior from the individual. Some behavior is unhelpful, some is unhealthy, and when it's a consistent pattern of threatening, damaging, coercive behavior-this is emotional abuse.

• Create a plan together. Does your teen have exit strategies or phrases they can use to discreetly and quickly communicate with you?

• Let your teen know this is an opportunity to learn skills they'll use into adulthood.

• Pray with your teen for help navigating the situation, trusting that only God has all the information. He can help us know when to stand up, reach out in love, set boundaries, put distance between ourselves and someone showing disrespect. If things escalate, step in. 

• Don't gossip with other church members. This can make an uncomfortable situation much worse.

Feeling "Not Enough"

• Does your teen understand the difference between discipleship as a perfection checklist versus a covenant path, where step come one at a time, one step after another?

• Does your teen know there are no final judgements in this life?

• Does your teen understand the difference between Jesus' interactions with people throughout the scriptures and those who shamed, scorned, and threw stones?

When all is said and done

If your teen ends up rejecting their faith, it doesn't mean they are rejecting you. Love them. Being part of your family is still a way of participating in God's plan.